AICPL: Six versions of Vista?!

I remember seeing something on this over on Slashdot a while back - apparently Windows Vista will ship in a variety of palate-pleasing flavors:

• Vista Starter
• Vista Home Basic
• Vista Home Premium
• Vista Business
• Vista Business Casual (comes w/ denim shirt and khakis)
• Uber Vista Bavarian Wheat Ale

All I want to know is, which one has the fewest default open ports and doesn't require idiotic wizards to alter network settings? I'll have that one, please. And one of those Wheat Ales.